5 Useless Sacred Cows
We as a culture, seem unable to look and give new perspective to things. That's why I am here:
Paul McCartney - Its over Paul. The truth is out. Lennon was a more engaging figure musically and socially, George was more sincere musically and likable, and even Ringo knows his limits and has fun with his friends. Your post-Beatles output has been a slaphappy hit or miss trek through pop (with a lot more misses than hits), with your last album of any merit being a handful of tracks from Flowers in the Dirt. Your public attempts to assert yourself on the Lennon-McCartney partnership looked (and was) venal and petty. Although you and Lennon did share one thing in common; both had wives who were critically hairbrained and utterly horrific vocalists (Linda was prettier though). You are the most pathetic Beatle...ever.
Mick Jagger - Its really over Mick. I admit, that Romanek directed video for God Gave Me Everything was quite cool. You have had at least one track per solo album worth listening to. And I must thank you for helping get Living Colour signed way back when (best thing you ever contributed to music IMHO). But stop with the solo albums, and definately stop with the Stones albums. Every few years I must suffer the crucible that is the marketing tagline "They're best album in decades", which after 2 decades is really getting bloody old. Retire. Let Keith do solo albums, as he seems to do them well. And don't do a Stones album unless you really intend to redeem yourself instead of cash in for another sexgenarian tour of inflated ticket prices and lackluster performance.
Elton John - You were never that great, but at least your first decade or so was a bit of a party to watch. You were a more garish, happy-go-lucky version of Liberace. Now you are just an obnoxious, smarmy, bland looking and blander sounding drag queen. You are the multi-million dollar version of a haggard old lady with 500 cats, who used to be a chorus girl and is really shrill and stupid (emphasis on both in equal measure). Your public quips to Keith Richards are poorly presented, coming from a man whose relevance was never as great as the Stones in their heyday, and who can't even compete with their miserable present. Holy Noah in a Rowboat, you are now a full-time prancing twit for Disney.
Tupac - You are dead. This is unfortunate. Not because the world needed to hear more from you , but because in dying you made yourself a martyr for mediocre hip hop in all its forms. The further you moved from the Shock G orbit (and you were never that great to start with), the less interesting you became, and the posthumous releases keep coming, with ever thinner material filling them. You do not deserve to be put above real trailblazers and auteurs of the genre: Public Enemy, Ice Cube, De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest, Grandmaster Flash and Anticon among them. Unfortunately, you still seem to be getting around.
the Smiths - so you were depressed and British in the 80s? That is essentially redundant. You have a hairstyle like Elvis dipped in starch and dated the flamboyant, campy singer to electro-pop darlings Dead or Alive? Amusing, but not interesting as a musical statement. Your music induced the coma your girlfriend was in. Morissey, shut up.
Paul McCartney - Its over Paul. The truth is out. Lennon was a more engaging figure musically and socially, George was more sincere musically and likable, and even Ringo knows his limits and has fun with his friends. Your post-Beatles output has been a slaphappy hit or miss trek through pop (with a lot more misses than hits), with your last album of any merit being a handful of tracks from Flowers in the Dirt. Your public attempts to assert yourself on the Lennon-McCartney partnership looked (and was) venal and petty. Although you and Lennon did share one thing in common; both had wives who were critically hairbrained and utterly horrific vocalists (Linda was prettier though). You are the most pathetic Beatle...ever.
Mick Jagger - Its really over Mick. I admit, that Romanek directed video for God Gave Me Everything was quite cool. You have had at least one track per solo album worth listening to. And I must thank you for helping get Living Colour signed way back when (best thing you ever contributed to music IMHO). But stop with the solo albums, and definately stop with the Stones albums. Every few years I must suffer the crucible that is the marketing tagline "They're best album in decades", which after 2 decades is really getting bloody old. Retire. Let Keith do solo albums, as he seems to do them well. And don't do a Stones album unless you really intend to redeem yourself instead of cash in for another sexgenarian tour of inflated ticket prices and lackluster performance.
Elton John - You were never that great, but at least your first decade or so was a bit of a party to watch. You were a more garish, happy-go-lucky version of Liberace. Now you are just an obnoxious, smarmy, bland looking and blander sounding drag queen. You are the multi-million dollar version of a haggard old lady with 500 cats, who used to be a chorus girl and is really shrill and stupid (emphasis on both in equal measure). Your public quips to Keith Richards are poorly presented, coming from a man whose relevance was never as great as the Stones in their heyday, and who can't even compete with their miserable present. Holy Noah in a Rowboat, you are now a full-time prancing twit for Disney.
Tupac - You are dead. This is unfortunate. Not because the world needed to hear more from you , but because in dying you made yourself a martyr for mediocre hip hop in all its forms. The further you moved from the Shock G orbit (and you were never that great to start with), the less interesting you became, and the posthumous releases keep coming, with ever thinner material filling them. You do not deserve to be put above real trailblazers and auteurs of the genre: Public Enemy, Ice Cube, De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest, Grandmaster Flash and Anticon among them. Unfortunately, you still seem to be getting around.
the Smiths - so you were depressed and British in the 80s? That is essentially redundant. You have a hairstyle like Elvis dipped in starch and dated the flamboyant, campy singer to electro-pop darlings Dead or Alive? Amusing, but not interesting as a musical statement. Your music induced the coma your girlfriend was in. Morissey, shut up.
posted by theloniusfunk at 6:30 PM
2 Comments:
Your description of Elton John couldn't be better!
i believe you are 5 for 5 on the commentary. paul definitely a bigger wanker as time passes. elton john can just shrivel up and no one would care. mick jagger, well he still has his moments, but they are very very rare. tupac, i am trying to forget about him so should most everyone else, you are right he is dead. and the smiths, were they ever alive? i can't think of a band more boring in the whole history of music.
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